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There will be NSFW topics discussed here, please bear this in mind before proceeding.
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10/Aug/2024
She and I had sex today. It was nice. She went down on me, and I had the clarity to ask for and explain what I like or how I like things. Besides that, I’m kind of trying to stop with porn and talking to other people online (She knows about it, I'm not cheating). I’m calming down about the constant thoughts of me not loving her because I think it’s just my own insecurity speaking, you know? I need to stop looking at the neighbor’s grass and take care of my own lawn.
I need to focus entirely on her, on our relationship, and on how I’m doing. I need to take care of myself, for me and for her.
I’m still scared, and I can’t guarantee that I know this is the right path I should take. I still think about breaking up sometimes. Not because I think we don’t have a future, but because I’m not feeling the same way anymore. But we’ve been together for six years. I’m not going to feel the same way I did when I first met her. But it’s only fair that I try my best for both of us. I need to try. If we’re going to break up, then so be it. But for now, I’m going to try.
I just need help dealing with the porn issue, with the need to feel validated by an external source. I need to validate myself. And she does too.
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07/Aug/2024
I want to disappear. Nothing seems to be moving forward. The cats aren't getting along, we're trying to make them get to know each other slowly, but nothing, they just fight all the time. We don’t have money for anything, everything is so expensive... I just want to give up. Seriously. I just want to give up. This whole "oh, but you have to be brave" and all that is just annoying. Fuck capitalism. Fuck my life.
I caught my boss talking shit about Lula (Brazil's current president). I don’t like Lula, but Bolsonaro (A Trump copycat that was our last president), holy crap, how can anyone like that guy? Every day I feel more excluded in this stupid small town. It's tough having to live here.
I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I have to deal with the challenges, but I can’t. I'm tired of dealing with depression. It’s exhausting. It’s a struggle that the people around me don’t have, and I have to constantly keep an eye on myself to be able to have a minimally decent life. I have to take care of myself, and push myself, and be medicated... For something that others just... effortlessly do.
◖◍◗ After a few hours ◖◍◗
I talked to Analu. I was brutally honest, and for a while during the conversation, I didn’t feel anything. But when she said that she loves me, even my sexual parts, something clicked in me. And we had a more open conversation from that point on. I cried when she said she really loves me. Even my sexual parts. I felt really loved, seen, for the first time in a long time. I shared a lot, and so did she. We’re better now. I think now she’s really going to try improving things, and so am I.
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06/Aug/2024
I am thinking a lot about what happened today.
Context box
I'm newish at this job (and having a job in general), and my colleague got upset because I wasn't including her in the conversations about the renovation of the labels on our company's products. We talked a few days later, I explained my side, told her that I didn't do it on purpose, and apologized. Sometimes we fuck up things, and we have to apologise and try our best not to repeat our mistakes.
About why did I feel so bad. I would say that on a scale of one to ten, I felt like a 7.5 bad. It really hit me to think that a work colleague I care so much about was upset with me. It reminded me of the whole situation with V (a now ex-friend. Remember me to tell you guys about it later), now that I’m reflecting on it. I don’t know, I just wanted to cry. I keep wanting to please everyone all the time, even though I know that’s not possible. I don’t want to be disliked again, I guess.
Am I too broken to be fixable? I love my girlfriend so much...
Context box
Going trough a rough patch in my relationship. We've been together for 6 years now, and for about 5 and a half years she struggled with sex and her libido. She found out she is asexual a few months ago and we're dealing with all this the best we can. But lately I've been feeling like I cannot feel attracted to her because of all the hurt I've felt for being denied and thinking something was wrong with me for most of the past years.
What comforts me is knowing that even though I don’t know what the hell is going on, I’m not feeling an overwhelming urge to run away from her. Actually, what I want is to make it work, to make this pain inside me disappear soon. I want to be happy like other people. I just want to feel something other than emptiness or sadness.